Thursday, December 31, 2009


I can feel it
this slow, passionate burning deep within.
Comforting as it is,
it is a never ending reminder of how I long for

A feeling long past,
thrown away into distant memory
finally recovered when all was lost
as a reminder of what once was.

Whispers leave traces
to write across the wall
essence of the feeling.

The feeling long lost
now to be remembered:

Recognized instantly as love.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Trapped In a Torture Chamber Part V

I want to sleep, but it scares me. Sometimes I'm scared I won't wake up. But then again, would it really be all that bad to die? I don't know how long I've been here. Days, weeks, it all blurs into one so I have no idea. And yet, I still don't want to die. Maybe that's why I'm not dead yet.

Still, is it possible to pull out of this? I'm not changing. I've lost count of the number of check-ups I've had, but I do know one thing: I haven't changed. The doctors don't talk to mom anymore, but she doesn't talk to them either. I hate it because it makes it so much harder to know what's going on.

Mom isn't here all the time anymore. I can tell she leaves. My guess is she goes to work, but who knows? She doesn't cry as much, either. Of course, she still does, just not as much as before. It makes it harder to know when she's here and when she's not.

She isn't the only one who visits me, though. I've heard various friends coming in, but I've been surprised by who hasn't. Jared hasn't come by. Neither has Eric or Karri. But no one says what is going on or anything. Oi. It's so frustrating. Why does it have to be like this?!

Trapped In a Torture Chamber Part IV

Maybe sleep isn't better than life. The dreams are too vivid. They take me to paradise only to destroy it and all my hope. There is no hope for me. Just nothing with an added dash of nothing. It's better than consciousness in that at least I know it's not real. Usually. But it acts as a way to toy with all emotion I have.

My dreams aren't anything special. Just life. My life. Except it's not. When I start to believe that everything's okay, it all begins to change. Everything goes wrong. The faces change into something... odd. It's the only way to describe it. And my passion and joy for life dissolves into fear. Suddenly my world is crashing down around me and death is around the corner. But then I wake up.

If my body was normal, I'd know that I'd be tangled in my sheets, breathing hard, my heart rate accelerated, and sweat soaking my body. But my body isn't normal. It's outside of my control. I can hear the machines controlling its movements, monitoring its condition. The air forced into my lungs is steady. My heart monitor says it's running smoothly. I hate this.


The burn that knows no fear
Haunts the back of my mind
Pulling my heart towards the daunting black
The black that pulls and tears and destroys
Yet holds you close to whisper
Deceitful lies of comfort
Pushing you into the abyss
With no safety rope to pull you back
So you're left with nothing to hold on to
As the black swallows you whole
And all you can remember is that cursed burn
That brought you in the first place
All that's heard is reverberating laughter
Emitted from the black
No longer comforting but terrifying
Wondering how long and how far you'll fall
Before anyone finds you
If they do
Before you hit the ground
The only companion left is the tears
Yet they remind you that no one knows or cares
And you long for the ground's approach
So that it can finally quench
That horrendous burn
Haunting your mind
As your heart is engulfed by the black


Sleeping dreams trapped in memory
Without the inclination of ever moving forward
But shall never look back
The truth of words exists
But to mind them at all is open admittance
That soon you shall fall.

Unkept secrets cause the falter
The stumble, the mistake, the cause
To cause the end and watch it all
Falling flames to the ground
Shattering, scattering, dispersed.

Blinded by shock and fear
Forgetful or not, try as you will
Is all you can feel
For hurt is all that's left to feel
Just broken, unable to heal.

Just imagine the severity
If feeling were to return
The trauma of mental stability shattered
And any sense of hope or faith or love vanishes
Divulged in no one as the pain eats away,
Devouring from the inside.

Gone. Silence. Nothing. Empty.
A hollow casing of what you once were
Tragedy of misery
Left alone to suffer no more
Just fade into nothingness,
A pitiful existence.